Bind Me, Break Me, Never Let Go!

Photo by Chris Facey

Ever wondered if your relationship could be more? More fun, more passionate, and maybe even a little bit daring? You have? But maybe feel a bit shy about exploring it? Don't worry, we’ve got your back! Peach and Hammer have been together for 15 years, and the sparks between them are still blazing bright. We just had to dive in and find out more! Peach answered most of our questions:

How did you discover your interest in BDSM? 

My first husband and I had already discovered swinging, and several years in, bits of kink started making its way in, (sex got rougher and more aggressive at times and we both liked it). And that just sort of naturally progressed from there to the point that in addition to going to swinger parties, we started attending kinky events too. My current husband and I have been together for 15 years, and when we met and discussed such things, discovered we'd both been ethically non monogamous and kink almost our entire adult lives. After a new-relationship-frenzy of discovering one another for a few months, we branched out into fantasy land.

How do you maintain trust and communication in your dynamic?

COMMUNICATION. Open, honest communication is key to ANY kind of relationship, and especially in kink. We have great communication, we discuss wants and boundaries or dislikes before we try anything new, and debrief afterwards just about every time, to discuss what went well and what we'd like to happen differently in the future. And we trust each other to communicate in the moment if something is off - like if the stressors of daily life get into his head and throw off his headspace mid-scene, or if I like something a lot but want him to dial back the intensity, I can communicate that to him with a single word; we don't just have one safeword, we have several (including physical signals), and it helps communicate with a single word what I need in that moment. And it's because of that 15 years of open, honest communication, we trust one another deeply with one another and when playing with others.

What drew each of you to the specific roles (Dominant, submissive, switch) you’ve chosen?

I was drawn to being submissive, because I'm usually assertive and in charge in my day to day life, and I found that I thoroughly enjoyed giving up control to a trusted partner and seeing what kind of wild and wonderful sexual adventure he would take me upon, because I found that process usually lead to a lot of pleasure and orgasms for me.

Eventually, I had a long term relationship with a man who was a dominant masochist. In bed, he was sexy and RAWR and dominant, but he also really liked pain, to show how much he could take, to show off the bruises from a beating. He would step into voluntary self-bondage (like wrapping chains attached to something around his outstretched hands, so that he was bound but could let go and 'overtake' me when he wanted to.) I beat him (with toys like floggers, whips, hard wood paddles and other implements) out of a submissive desire to please him. (Onlookers at events often very much misunderstood that dynamic and assumed I was his Domme, and he was my sub, which couldn't be further from the truth).

Through those experiences, I discovered my inner sadist, and that I enjoyed dishing out pain to those who truly enjoyed and wanted it. In the years since then, I started to engage my inner sadist with friends who actively wanted and enjoyed pain, and became what I'd call a "service top". I wasn't dominant, I was a happy sadist, and could tweak my demeanor in whatever direction my bottom wanted/needed (for example being "kind and loving" or being "mean and degrading" depending on their preferences.) I didn't get off on giving pain, but I have always said one of my biggest turn ons is fulfilling my partners' desires and fantasies. Seeing them enjoy themselves is really enjoyable for me. Yet, I have little interest in topping strangers, for me, that kind of connection grows out of friendship.

How do you balance BDSM with other aspects of your relationship?

It's easy for us. For the most part, we don't bring our kinky D/s dynamics outside of the bedroom/dungeon. For practicality, our dynamic in our marriage and day to day life is that of equals, who support one another and take care of one another in whatever ways the other needs (he really is the perfect husband and takes care of me in so many ways.) Any D/s 'engagement' in that context is usually playful (or leads to spontaneous fun time.) At kink parties, the dynamic comes out a little more while socializing, but unless it's been discussed beforehand, our D/s dynamic is not particularly "on display" when socializing with kinksters.

How do you negotiate boundaries before engaging in a scene?

Through communication, of course! We talk about EVERYTHING. A lot. When doing kink play with others, we discuss what we mutually want and enjoy beforehand, and discuss boundaries, safewords, and anything else that might be relevant to the kind of play we're planning. I even developed an online tool that anyone can use to do a deep dive into their likes, dislikes, and wants. It works great, but I'm working on a version 2 that is MUCH shorter, and intended more for people negotiating what's called "Pickup play" (a scene with someone you don't have an established relationship with, and/or weren't planning before the event to have a scene together), rather than negotiating at the start of a relationship what is in bounds and out of bounds for future interactions. You don't necessarily need a comprehensive list of likes and dislikes and boundaries and fantasies to negotiate one specific scene, you discuss the things that may become relevant in the scene.

What steps do you take to ensure safety during play? 

As noted above, communication and negotiation are very important. Other steps depend on the type of scene. In a dungeon/at a party, there should be Dungeon Monitors on duty to watch over everyone's scenes and step in if something seems to be going wrong (e.g. someone is unintentionally injured, or a top is ignoring a bottom's safe-word.) If we're doing rope bondage, my partner always has scissors or a special rope cutting hook so that they can easily free me quickly if needed (like if I were to get light headed, or have sudden or extreme pain, if I'm going numb somewhere, etc.) Each type of scene might have its own special circumstances or list of things that might go wrong, and we prepare for that. We also keep multiple first aid kits on hand.

If we're playing with new people, thorough negotiation and discussion of health issues and limitations (like, I can't have my right arm held behind my back for more than a couple of minutes before I'm in negative pain, because I have limited shoulder mobility there due to an old injury.) My husband topped a woman for impact play who uses a wheelchair, and they discussed at length what she liked and didn't, how to position her body ideally for the scene, and what areas to focus on and avoid. She was very appreciative of the extended discussion beforehand, and afterward said it was the first time she'd been able to have an enjoyable scene like that because the top took all of her needs and limitations into account, but didn't treat her like a fragile porcelain doll, and gave her the intensity she craved, in the places she craved it.

If I'm bottoming for a new person, either a DM or my husband (or a trusted friend) is keeping an eye on things to help ensure things don't go sideways, and step in if they do. I've had a couple of brief partners who were well reputed in the kink community and seemed to be lovely people in general completely ignore our negotiations, and pushed me to safeword them to stop multiple times (when I'd asked them not to aim for that) and even ignored my safewords multiple times, even when I screamed angrily in their faces and/or tried to verbally redirect them. That made me angry and I walked away, being sure I would never play with them again. You need to be willing to speak up, and need to be ready to walk away if the person is ignoring your negotiated boundaries. That's not something I've always been great at, but those two bad experiences helped me learn to speak up for myself, even if we had an audience, even if I really WANTED it to continue, but staying within my boundaries. People who don't respect your boundaries and negotiations are not safe people with whom to play.

Another thing that is broadly accepted in the kink community is that you should NEVER renegotiate or introduce non negotiated things once a scene has started. The bottom may now be in a different headspace and should be treated as if they're intoxicated in the sense that if you ask them if you can do <insert thing not previously discussed>, you should not trust their answer, because they may be in a bottoming headspace similar to being cognitively impaired, or "kink drunk". There have been exceptions to this on numerous occasions, though, for example when you know your partner well enough to know if it's something they'd enjoy, or to be able to tell if they're in a "sober" headspace well enough to consent. For example, one time, several friends and I were doing a scene where 3 of us were doing impact play on a friend who was standing with his wrists tied above his head, while his wife watched (she loved to watch him enjoy himself, but didn't consider herself a top.) In the midst of it, a 4th friend came in and asked if she could borrow a toy, I said sure, thinking she wanted it for another scene, and then realized she intended to join us. In my head, my brain was screaming "don't renegotiate during play!!" but also "He would think this was SO super hot." I glanced at his wife, and she gave me a signal that said "oh my god YES he would love this, DO IT!" - Yet still, I stepped around in front of him to kiss him, and asked very clearly "Do you trust me?" (he said yes) so I said "Do you trust me to let another woman join us?" and he enthusiastically said "FUCK YES!!!"

My friend joined us, and we managed to have 4 women standing around him hitting him with floggers and smooching his face, and the unspoken synchronization was astounding - we managed to keep up the "whack, whack, whack" of 4 different floggers without ever "crossing the streams" (that is, nobody hit each other, nobody's floggers crossed or hit at the same time, no strikes landed in a bad place). It was pretty magical and I can't imagine being able to repeat it so perfectly. So in the end, it broke the don't renegotiate rule, BUT, his "kink-sober" wife encouraged it, he was enthusiastic about it, and I knew him well enough to be pretty certain he'd enjoy it. I also found out later that he'd been kink-crushing on my friend, and she'd discussed joining the scene with his wife earlier in the evening. So he was THRILLED she joined in. It's all about COMMUNICATION!

What’s a particularly memorable experience you’ve shared?

There's always one that immediately comes to mind, in addition to the experience I shared above. We had a kinky house party, which ended, in the wee hours of the morning, of everyone who was still left at the party (about 15 people) having a spontaneous orgy. Everyone was piled on side by side air mattresses, a sea of bodies engaged in carnal delights, sex happening in every direction. The temperature in the room rose so much that the fire alarm outside the room started going off. Without skipping a beat, someone in the midst of the pile of bodies (to this day, I don't know who), hollered "SOMEONE NEEDS LUBE!!!". There was much laughter as the scene continued, nobody stopped, they just carried on. It was hilarious.

Are there any misconceptions about BDSM you wish others understood?

Kink is not just a free for all where a submissive has to take whatever a dominant, ANY dominant wants to dish out, sans negotiation, and anyone who acts like it is, is dangerous and should be avoided. (Although with negotiation beforehand, a couple could easily negotiate having such a dynamic long term, if that's what they want).

Not everyone nor everything is dangerous. But you have to be careful, because those things and people are DEFINITELY out there. There are also plenty of people who come to kink from a very troubled background (which may factor into their play.) It could be a history of trauma, of mental illness, or both, but kinking with broken people should be handled with great care, and they should understand that there are creepy abusive manipulators out there who will ABSOLUTELY take advantage of your brokenness to manipulate and abuse you. This includes an unfortunate amount of people "in power" in the kink community (they may be a party host, or a well known instructor, someone widely known, or someone who stays out of "the community" and prefers to meet and play with newbies in private, people who don't know commonly accepted standards for things like negotiation, and who they can isolate from the community so that their target doesn't hear about their prior bad acts.

Some people like their kink with sex included. Some people absolutely separate kink and sex and prefer not to mix the two (or not outside of a committed relationship).

Most kinksters, however, are surprisingly normal when they're not actively kinking. People from all walks of life, from poor students to wealthy established professionals. I have friends who are not particularly kinky but come to our parties as often as they can, because, as they told us "We don't know what it is, but we meet the most fascinating people and have the best conversations at your parties. We're not kinky, but these are our people.

What’s a fantasy or scene you haven’t tried yet and would like to explore? 

That's a hard question to answer. We've been up and down our "Fuckit List" several times, and the only fantasies we haven't explored are those that are not likely feasible or enjoyable in real life (or are public enough that you're likely to get arrested or at least expose your kinking to people who didn't consent to seeing it, which is very much not OK). "Kinking all over other people" is very much bad form.

However, new fantasies arise often, when exploring another person's fantasies. We both get very turned on by pleasing our partners and fulfilling their fantasies, so something we might never have considered before might become super hot fun in practice.

Do you have a favorite piece of gear or tool?

Yes, and in each category (favorite leather flogger, dragontail whip, wood paddle, and a few other categories). Some favorite toys were not made for kink, like an antique mallet or pewter cooking spoon).

Advice for beginners??

Take it slow, try to avoid diving into everything everywhere all at once, often referred to as "newbie frenzy", because you'll likely end up rushing into things too quickly or with the wrong people, and having bad experiences along the way, possibly even getting injured. Read A LOT of resources for kink, vet new partners with others in the community. Get to know them as friends before trusting them for play. And absolutely, communicate, communicate, communicate!