Matt Haverty
Photo by Ellerie Brust
If we were handing out comedy medals, Matt Haverty would be rocking gold! His Jedi/Yoda dialogue? HILARIOUS! So, we chatted to keep the laughter flowing like The Force!
Have you told your parents you are a comedian??
I haven’t revealed to anyone in my personal life that I’m a comedian. I do it like a Spider-Man sort of thing. Comedians garner too many enemies and I have to hide my identity to keep my loved ones safe. With each passing day, it gets harder though as I keep having to leave events without explanation. If only they knew the truth. If they knew that behind the microphone lies mild-mannered Matt Haverty, then they’d see me for who I really am. But this can never be. The city needs me...it needs yet another white dude doing comedy.
What did they say?
They’re often frustrated by my frequent disappearing and lack of attention to my regular life responsibilities. When I need to leave a dinner or funeral or something to go attend an open mic on a Wednesday night I’ll just say that I have to go to the bathroom. This is especially concerning to my mother. She recently booked me an appointment with a urologist to see if the frequent bathroom visits had something to do with an inflamed or enlarged prostate. I couldn’t reveal the real reason, so I attended the appointment and was told to do Kegel exercises. I do this frequently before going on stage.
If you could write anyone on Earth in for President of the United States, who would it be and why?
I would write in Air Bud from the movie Air Bud. What can’t this dog do? He was instrumental in scoring two steals, five assists, two free throws, and four field goals in a playoff game against the Spokane Warriors. Air Bud cemented the Fernfield Timberwolves as middle school basketball state champions, which is no easy feat. Not to mention his other athletic ventures and children, who have, in their own right, succeeded in many ways. The Air Buddies have literally been to space. This American family surpasses the political and cultural influence of the Kennedys. And while I may not agree with all of his policies, I certainly think Air Bud has America’s best interest at heart. So yeah, I’m writing in Air Bud. There’s nothing in the rules that says a Dog can’t be President.
Would you date your high school crush today?
She should probably date a doctor or something. Hell, I should probably date a doctor or something. Or a Lawyer. Or an orthodontist in a wealthy suburban town. Really anyone that can provide for me. I’m gonna be one of three things when I’m older. A very successful comedian/actor/writer, a fulfilled house husband, or dead.
Salman Rushdie has a big______.
I don’t know who Salman Rushdie is and I am perplexed as to why anyone would care to know my thoughts on him. I Googled him and apparently, he is a successful author. I have read six books in their entirety since the year 2018. 1984 by George Orwell, I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, The New One by Mike Birbiglia, Embracing Alienation: Why We Shouldn't Try to Find Ourselves by Todd McGowen, The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han and It’s Not Summer Without You (the sequel to The Summer I Turned Pretty.) This is the man who you are all dealing with. Am I a smart man? Perhaps, perhaps not. But I have wonderful taste. Maybe I’ll read some Salman and get back to you.
